Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
