I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
