I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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