Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
