I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
