Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
