there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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