If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
