I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
