i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
