The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.