I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!