Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
