So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
