I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
