I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.