I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?