Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable