just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
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We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends