the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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