Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
