My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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