i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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