i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
