Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.