I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
