I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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