It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
