My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
