i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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