On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
