I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
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I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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