Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
