They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
try to milk me bitch
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