Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
