The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
