Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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