3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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