How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
