That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
