After last night, I could never be a politician.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
