I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
