its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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