I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
