Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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