All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
