I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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