You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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