I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
