oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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