I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
