So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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