Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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