i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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