I just pynch a tree in the face
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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