Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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