I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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