I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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