could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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