I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
