I got chris browned last night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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